I’ve been dreading this post but feel it’s necessary to write.
On July 4th 2020, I lost my mom.
It hurts to even type out the words, let alone say out loud. I’m still numb just by expressing that statement. I feel like I have to share this post because I document so much of my life on my blog. I’ve kept it quiet since then but I felt like enough time had passed for me to be ready to blog about it.
You see, I started this blog on a whim back in 2011, when I was starting my second year of college. It was a distraction for an 18 year old girl who loved to write and have somewhere to write her thoughts about anything that was happening. You know the story by now but it turned out that I could turn it into my career. I share more about my outfits or my latest beauty obsession’s and rarely about my real life anymore. I need to again though. I try to keep this page positive and share my highlight reel like most do on social media but we all have real lives that are happening and we should share what we want more. I finally opened up about my grandmother’s passing in 2016 here on the blog but it was months and months later like this time around. I tried to do something a week after it happened but I could not. I wasn’t like my other relatives and cousin who posted about it right away on Facebook as soon as they got the news. I saw the outpour of message from their timelines on to mine wishing their sympathy to myself and my family but it just didn’t seem right. I just have to have my time with it. So now that I’m telling my blog it will be documented here and that scares me and proves that she is really gone and it hurts.
This blog is a wonderful distraction and made me forget my real life a little. It also acted as a way to explore my different interests of online shopping, photography and outfit styling. My parents were huge supporters of my blog but my mom couldn’t understand exactly what I did she still loved seeing me happy and went along with me to my outfit shoots once in a while. It was rare for her to take my pictures and she was more of a behind the scenes of cheering me on kind of person which I appreciated.
My mom passed away 4 months ago now. It still hasn’t gotten any easier but I’m going day by day. I knew she was poorly but not serious. She had a heart attack in September 2019 in Manila while I was here in LA with my dad. She was meant to fly to LA to visit me with my dad in April for my birthday but was too ill to fly so my dad came by himself and ended up staying longer than he thought because I was getting him checked out at the hospital. See, my parent’s had me quite late in their marriage. My mom was 41 and my dad 51 when they had me so I didn’t have the privlidge of having younger parents. I didn’t think anything of their age until I grew and realized how short time I would have with them.
So as soon as she recovered in the hospital the doctors came together and agreed she should fly to the U.S and get medical treatment here so I did all I could possibly can to fly her out to me 2 weeks after her heart attack. It was stressful and I didn’t know what was going to happen but she made it to LAX safe and sound to me and my dad. Then after 3 days, she had a second heart attack. The night before I was searching hospitals to start getting her treatment but it was too late and I had to dial 911 and have an ambulance take her to the nearest hospital. Her heart stopped but the doctors got her back again and put into the CCU where she was on so many machines and had so many I.V in her. I cried as soon as I saw her lying in the hospital bed helpless. After two weeks though she recovered. It was a miracle and after a month of her being in LA, we finally got to take her home after so many other things that happened.
She was getting better. She had to be on oxygen and a lot of medication for her heart but she was okay. We had our ups and downs though. My dad and I had to care for her 24/7 so that’s why I wasn’t to active here or any social medias. I would go to bed at 6am and wakeup at 2pm to take over for my dad who toke care of her while I slept. I sometimes squeezed in outfit shoots and other shopping trips but she was our priority. She was stubborn and didn’t want to be cared for like that but we still did it. Now I have all the free time but it’s not the same. I’d rather be busy taking care of her than blogging back to normal again.
We had some amazing memories though since she came to LA. I documented essential her last months on my Youtube channel through my vlogs which I now can look back on. I couldn’t at first but getting to do a post dedicated to her really pushed me to do this post. She hated being on camera and taking pictures of herself but we snuck a few in. I wish we had more pictures together as it was so hard for me to find good pictures of us. I snuck her in my vlogs without her knowing once in a while and I’m grateful I did. We spent September 2019 to July 2020 together. I left her in Manila in June of 2018 to be my own person and move out for the first time at 25. She didn’t like it but she understood in the end when I explained she did the same thing to her parents. We didn’t see each other for more than a year but we talked almost everyday. I took her around LA and New York while being on the phone and I heard from my relatives how happy she was that I was enjoying my time and being independent for once because I am not and had her do everything for me.
I had the day planned on July 4th. We were going to barbeque and wear our matching t-shirts. Then it happened. I had just gone to bed 3 hours before as I was up late editing a video or something instead of sleeping. We called 911 again and the paramedics say it was a third heart attack and that’s what did it. I thought it would be like the first time and that they would rush her to the hospital but I just watched as they tried to save her and it all unfolded in front of me was easily the worst moment of my life. It was like something out of Grey’s Anatomy but this time it wasn’t a TV show but my real life.
To me it was sudden. She showed no signs. And just like that she was gone. What I would give to have her nag me again. I wouldn’t wish this feeling upon anyone; it’s truly the worst feeling in the world knowing that I couldn’t do any thing and never give her a hug again.
I sob at the thought that she won’t get to see me grow up some more because I’m only 27. She won’t see me turn 30 or any age for that matter. She won’t know who I marry or my future children. While cleaning my closet I found two baby outfits we bought together for my niece and nephew but when I sent it in the mail it got mailed back to me. It was like it was fate that I needed to keep these clothes. So in the middle of my closet as I weep into these tiny clothes I realize this is the only thing I’ll have for my future babies. It’s so funny that it’s for a girl and a boy so whatever I end up having I can put them in it and say “your grandma picked these out with me years before you were even born.” I like that I have this now and though it makes me sad; I have this memory.
It hits me hard that I won’t get to create anymore memories with her. I can’t go out to the living room to ask a question when I need something or call her when she goes back to the Philippines. I’ll have to settle with videos and pictures I have kept over the years. That’s why I made this video with a few of my favorite moments. I wish I had more but that reminds me to keep capturing the memories. You never know what is next.
When I arrive to my parent’s house in the Philippines, my dad and I will have a funeral for her with all her relatives. She wants to be buried with her parents so we are respecting her wishes. I don’t know when we can travel there dur to Covid and the restrictions right now but as soon as we can we will have a small gathering to pay our respects as a family.
This outfit is what I’m wearing. She was really heavy with superstitions and at funerals you are supposed to wear all white. Some families wear black but ours have always wore white at funerals. I’m not sure if it is a Filipino thing or just my family’s beliefs. So I picked an all white outfit that I’m not sure I can wear again after this. It took me so long to even try and shoot this outfit because I knew what it was for. I know she would like the dress. She would probably comment and say it’s a little short on me but she put up with my fashion choices.
I can’t believe I finally wrote that. My keyboard on my laptop is now wet and my sleeves are damp from wiping away my tears for the hundredth time but it’s out there. I’m sorry this post might be triggering or not what you normally see. I like writing my thoughts down and even though this was all over the place it helped me and I can finally breath. This was stressing me out to get it up before the holidays.
I’ll be back for my holiday content coming up but this had to be written.
Please hug your mom tight if she is still around. Give her a hug for me.
I’ll never stop paying tribute to you, Mommy…that I promise. I dedicate this blog post to you and though your probably don’t understand why I wrote it and what it’s for. I know you will smile knowing I did it for you.